I was getting off to such a good start squashing negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. Every day it gets easier to avoid my old morning routine of lounging on the couch, procrastinating and feeling guilty. These days I get up, wash my face, get dressed and get out into the fresh morning air before I give myself the chance to come up with one reason why my butt should park itself on that soft, comfy, oh-so-inviting corner of slip-covered paradise.

And so it’s gone for the last 3 weeks. I wake, feed the creatures and feel grateful for this beautiful world I am blessed to occupy. And then I go about the business of making it to the office while the hubs holds down the fort for a few hours.

Then there was last Friday and the pain in my neck is still there to remind me of it. The thing is my little sis has a baby with a “man” who mistreats her. They live together in a town about 250 miles away so we don’t see one another very often anymore. She rarely calls because he keeps the phone with him at all times. She doesn’t like to ask his permission to use it either…causes a big fight. When we do get to see her, it’s because he has to come to town to meet with his probation officer. Yeah, he’s super classy.

So anyway, last Friday was one of his appointments and she was in town for just a little while. Seeing her triggered some extremely negative emotions, and now I’m feeling guilty about some of them. On the one hand, I’m angry with her for not keeping in touch more, but then I remember how it is to live with someone like him. I’ve been there too; a long time ago…seems like another lifetime to tell the truth. I know what its like to walk on egg shells, to wonder what might set him off, trying to be perfect and blaming myself for his rages.

He was a fool, on a fool’s path not entitled to my imagination, my creativity, my destiny.

I try to explain this to the rest of the family. And tell them she’s in danger and that he’s abusive but they won’t listen. No one wants to really deal with it because there’s not a whole lot we can do and it’s just easier to ignore the signs and pretend she’s irresponsible and she should leave if he’s such an asshole.

The drama of it all is stirring up my past, things I never want to think about or feel ever again. My neck and shoulders are killing me. I haven’t slept well in a few nights and I have a knot in my stomach. I’m worried and I feel helpless to help my sister. I want to escape my body, fly out into the universe, detach from everything and melt away into a billion particles.

…to cope with it all, I did what any reasonable farmer would,  I got a kick ass hair cut at an expensive salon and drank a bottle of Chardonnay.  Maybe its the hangover?

 

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